I really felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit this week to start a blog on my struggle with accepting who I am in Christ and becoming the woman he wants me to be. This is the last place I want to place my struggles, but I feel God calling me to be an open book, to share the things I would rather hide. I have a feeling this blog will take many turns along the way as I go along in this journey in becoming the woman Christ wants me to be.
So, who am I? I am a girl who has always said and done the right thing, yet thinks impure thoughts. I desire to please God, but struggle with a greater desire to please people. I have lots of friends, but yet I do not feel loved by anyone. I feel like a failure as a person, a wife and a mother. I struggle with wanting to feel beautiful and my biggest struggle is my weight. Now, I know that as a Christian, I am not viewed by Christ in any of the ways I view myself. So, who am I in Christ? I am someone fully accepted and loved by the God of the Universe, my Father, my Savior. I am his daughter who is in desperate need of His immense patience and abundant grace (1 Timothy 1:16). Christ's desire for me is to become a beautiful person on the inside. So, what is God's desire for me? This is a tough question. I know his ultimate goal for me is perfection (Matthew 5:48). However, I will not ever be able to attain this on this earth, so where do I start?
The thing I hate talking about the most, and has caused me the most pain in my life is my weight. The biggest reason I did not want to post this blog, was because I did not want people from my past to know what I had become. I am ashamed. But you see, I've always struggled in this area. In high school I struggled with anorexia. I hardly ate anything in order to maintain my 102-105 lb figure). When I graduated I became a little more confident in the woman he was creating me to be. I put on a healthy amount of weight. I got married and became pregnant at 19. We all know what pregnancy does to our bodies - its not pretty! Anyways, 12 years and 4 kids later, I find myself in the position I am in. I am obese and strongly desire to get out of this body. I have been on every diet, attended the meetings, some with minimal results, but here I am today. So, what is God's desire for me in this area in my life? I truly believe that he wants me to be a healthy temple. He wants me to give him control of this area of my life. He does not want me to obsess over a number on a scale or even the way I could look. In any weight loss journey, it is very easy to obsess over these things, but I feel God calling me to something different. So, what is my goal? My goal is not a number on the scale, a clothing size, a certain look - but the energy and peace I need to aspire to the goal of perfection - to be a better daughter, wife and mother.
So, how do I start? Creating this blog is huge for me, because it gives me accountability (even if no one reads this, which I am secretly hoping is what happens :)). Knowing that I have committed to post each week on my progress, will give me some sort of accountability I hope will be beneficial. I don't have much of a problem with food - I know nutritional information and what I should be eating. Not that I always eat what I should, but for the most part, I think I have a handle on not over-eating. My biggest obstacle is exercise. I am not a morning person, and basically sit on my rear all day at my desk in an office. Then many days, I do not get home till after 9 because of kids activities/church activities/etc. Ok, enough excuses - this is where I feel my focus needs to be, and I know I am empowered by God to follow through!
I am so ashamed of the way that I look, that I do not allow pictures of myself. If you look at my facebook page, you will not find any recent pictures. You may see a few of me about 50 lbs ago, but my page is covered with pictures of my beautiful children (as it should be :)) My son actually needed a family picture for a school project recently, and the only one I could find was 5 years old! So as part of my accountability: here I am (attempting to be) content with who God has made me. Knowing I am growing and improving; trying to be the woman he desires.....Becoming beautiful from the inside out, because I am accepted by Christ and enabled by Him to become the woman he wants me to be....